Failure • Guilt • Mum

It’s been 7.5 months since the second one welcomed this world. She’s already crawls and stands, the older one – climbs and I fall on my face…

I’ve been back from my maternity leave two months and today I’m on sick leave today feeling exhausted, with massive headache and belly aches and I’ve got my mum who helps me.

And yes I do feel like I’m a failure. Shall I write down the failure anxiety list:

• I don’t spend as much time with Ghaya as I did when she was a baby

• I use my maternity leave on Mondays each week to have at least one extra day with Ghaya but that means that I’m not working as hard as others

• I can’t stay longer at work because I pick up Arya from school

• My mum helps me because I can’t manage on my own or afford nursery for Ghaya

• I drink wine in the evenings

• I’m almost 40 and I haven’t achieved my career goals yet

• I feel too weak to carry my baby

The list continues but it’s pretty boring. To the observer all blurs into one same-all same-all.

To me every single bullet point is just a bullet. And it’s got a point. The point where feelings of failure and guilt max out and devour the soul.

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