Never thought I ever will
Last Saturday I experienced a day I had waited my lifetime.
Arya turned 1 on 11th February and last Saturday we celebrated this milestone in Poland.
Initially, there were supposed to be around 50 guests but due to various reasons 22 adults and 11 children turned out and although those who were missing were missed the afternoon could have not been more amazing.
For the event I choose The Palace in Popowo Stare in Poland. After the naming ceremony didn’t happen due to the hated by me, family politics, all my energy and effort were focused around making sure Arya Sofia’s 1st birthday was going to be the memorable experience full of love and happiness. The palace staff prepared everything according to my strict instructions and although it’s still very hard to virtually communicate in Poland in order to get the service providers work their asses off to please the customer, this time, luckily, my perseverance and pushing (again) paid off.
My stress level was high up to a very last moment, culminating when I was pushing the soft shoes into my baby’s feet with no success and me shouting with frustration: “I can’t do it! In leaving”.
Thank God for my sister who took over while I was a total melt down.
5 minutes before the scheduled birthday there was absolutely no one in the palace and I was an utter bundle of nerves, ready to hide myself in some deep deep corner to rock myself back and fort to a complete madness.
13:00 sharp and suddenly the palace spilled with guests so Sanj and I took my beautiful but sniffly Arya outside through the back gate to ride into the front court:
There were many moments when I was fighting tears with emotion while looking at oblivious Arya. It was the time I waited for my entire life (those who know me, understand that it literally was a lifetime waiting) and everyone claimed they enjoyed themselves.
It’s one of these things I say that are hard to comprehend. Because they are beyond here and now.
To Arya Sofia
Thank you my baby for coming down into this life. I could only scold you for letting me feel this darkness without for such a long time. But now that you’re with me, nothing else matters. The scar is just a representation of how much I needed you to be near me in flesh.
I don’t wish anything for your birthday. Live your life and I want to be part of it as much as you allow me to be but please don’t be upset with me for trying to always protect you and love you.
For some New Year’s celebration is just a commercial fad and peer pressure to have fun. To me the end of a year has always been a big hope for a fresh start with whatever is important to me. Hope that I realised is more of a disruption in life rather than a spur. I still do think that if hope is misunderstood as just sitting and praying for a better fate it will just f*** up your life. I very often got stuck in a rut because of this type of hope. I find it more refreshing to clap for yourself for the past year and to get armoured for the new one. Action, no stills!2015 for me was The Year. It brought me back to life. My persistence and stubbornness paid and probably lots of TLC to myself and my body because without healthy body and mind it would never happen. Who knows. But if it would have been this one more year without my baby God knows where I would have been. Would I still be? Because it was torture. And to those who struggle with what I have – before Arya was born I never spoke about my struggle, I never sought help (because I never expect others to help me, I was born this way; making Sanj do the chores is a different story 🙂 ) I just want to say I’m here and I can offer hugs and my story but you probably are crying right now and hate me just how I did – those who were lucky in this department. And it’s absolutely normal. To everyone else – leave people alone with your stupid comments and questions:”When will you have children?” Or “Do you not want to have children?” Stick these comments deep into your ass! You don’t know the pain! If you’re making a list of your resolutions – this one should be your priority! This is directed to all the aunts, parents, in-laws, nosy “friends” and “fake” aunties! Think before you speak!
And in regards to my resolutions? Now that I’m alive, my mind unblocked, my heart healed, wings fully fastened and ready to take me around the universe I am doing this exercise my very dear friend Kavish Rajpaul taught me and I find it brilliant. I’m writing down a list of achievements I want to happen by the end of 2016 in a form that I’ve already accomplished them and put the list away for 12 months. On 31 December 2016 – let’s see how many of them will have been done.
I always say to myself:
“The key here is to work hard because life doesn’t owe anything and no pleading prayer is a magic wand. Remember about the balance (this is so tricky so one needs a significant other or a family member to help with it and always be on guard for you – that’s what they are for) – the balance of your body, mind, soul and everyday life. Balance of entertainment and hard work, balance of adrenaline and chill, balance of self-indulgence and charity… And family is the most important circle in my life so I must look after each and every member of it like there’s no tomorrow. Because it might never come… Fight for each and every member of your family! Fight for this love as Cheryl sings 😉”
And one more thing about the New Year Reflections – Life isn’t what it is. Life is what you think it is. Huh? Good one, huh?
Now go and make your own life in 2016 !