Temporary Existence 

For the past few months, for a reason I can’t reveal yet I have switched myself of social media life. After a long period of constant posting, instagraming, commenting and promoting I suddenly became inexistent. My mind, in its own world, hasn’t been craving the pleasure from being seen, liked, or shared. And it felt good in a sense because I know deep down that I will return to this reality at some point soon. I will return but changed, somehow social media evolved. When you stand by as an observer you learn a lot and the point of view transforms. So let’s just wait and see how. And comment then.

However, while I existed not on the virtual platform I also disappeared from interpersonal social life. And that my readers, although fully and entirely my choice (mostly due to the reason I adore mentioned and which I can not yet mention) – has felt lonely. Loneliness that’s what I have been surrounded with. Cold, isolated, scary existence, without myself or people around. 

I truly hope this will end shortly because I can’t live without people.  

Advertisements

Calling Your Cat Names 

Bastian my cat is annoying early in the morning. You might say he’s cute and beautiful and whatever words you want to use for this:


But he is making me consider slitting my veins in the early hours when I’m juggling breakfast and pee pee and dressing up responsibilities to the best of my ability and this mofo stares at me from outside scratching the kitchen door only to wait on the porch and lick his fur when I let him in in haste. Once he eats his food he claws my calf asking for more and I swear to an Egyptian cat he looks like this:


Is calling a cat “dog” counts as verbal abuse?

There’s nothing to be proud of but I did tell him: “No more food for you, dog”.

He left the room and jumped on San-Jay’s bed.

Not my problem now. Phew…

Do You Consider This Annoying? 

Is it normal to be annoyed with your husbands so much that the punishment ideas just queue in your head. And not because or when your period is coming.

My mother used to put laxatives in his dinner the next day he came home too late (and basically had more fun out than her in stuck, with two hormonal teenage girls).

I literally had to use all my self-control powers today to not wipe my husband’s mug with Arya’s soiled wipe. And not for any particular reason. Basically for the whole 10 years of annoyance.

I’m a horrible wife but I promised nothing.

Moana

Never been a fan of Disney movies. Bambi, Lion King – parents die, Sleeping Beauty waiting for her true love sleeping prior to serving 7 other men (O.K., I know, it’s Grimm’s story originally). Yes,  I understand all of them tell beautiful stories of being strong and believing your dreams but I could always find something wrong about each of them. Well, not always wrong, but not quite right.

My first and only (up to this day) favourite one was for a long time was Princess and the Frog with its beautiful Almost There song (no, it’s not a chanting tune for during sex), very close to my heart. And now, Moana joins this short list.

Perhaps it’s a commercial grasp of the moment (as it’s usually the case) , as Christy Lemire says: “Moana would have been enormously entertaining regardless of when it came out, but its arrival at this particular moment in history gives it an added sense of significance—as well as inspiration.” but Moana takes every girl to walk with her arm in arm, with their doubts, good, gentle hearts,

She’s strong, kind and beautiful, willing to learn, loving her family, devoted to her community, doubting herself but listening to her heart which is entwined with her intelligence. She’s the woman. She’s every single woman. Ridiculed by some big muscle demi-god:

“You are gonna stay here with the other chicken.”

“Daughter of the chief.
I thought you stayed in the village.
You know, kissing babies and things.”

“If you wear a dress and have an animal sidekick, you are a princess.

And she puts up with this. And she makes him a better man.

For all of you ladies:

Moana

Beautiful and sexy can go very well together with strength, sporty, intelligent.

No one Around

I haven’t been writing. I’ve been tired. More emotionally and mentally than physically.

I’m tired and apart from that – almost no access to my phone or a computer apart from work and when Arya falls asleep so not really able to keep the update. I fall asleep right after her. I love my baby with all my heart and I can’t bear being away from her just for my own pleasure or leasure although I so badly need it.

I haven’t been here for a while also because otherwise I would complain or ask for her and I don’t do that. I wish I did but I don’t want to sound like a whining woman (who my husband surely thinks I am)

Arya’s the only one I’ve got. She has been since she was born but with time more and more.

I can’t bear weekends because I feel so lonely. I can’t sit down with Arya at the table with a cup of tea and chat? I can’t have a man and woman nice evening together with a man telling me that I’m still pretty and that he would like to take me somewhere nice and then follow through. I can’t even speak about it to any of my very few friends because they’ve got their lives and I’m the strong one who can always cope and my life is not that bad afterwards. In fact it’s pretty good. I finally have my perfect family…

I can’t count on my family either. And in the moments like this I want to hide my face in my hands and burst out crying spasmatically. 

Arya is my life. And I say it with tears of bliss; if not her I don’t know if I would be in flesh here and now. But I also am a woman, just a human. It’s all about balance but it never is.

Normally you don’t read posts like that in blogs which you expect to tackle only the essence of awesomeness. These are posts in those self-deprecating, pessimistic holes of the Internet. Well life is not an Instagram Profile. Definitely not mine.

I have no one. Literally no one around. 

Finding Dory

For some reason Arya for months now has been a big fan of Nemo and Dory without even seeing a single frame of either of the animations. She has her Finding Nemo treasure book with the characters and plays with them every day.

Come Saturday, the Moodleys plan is to watch a movie together (symulatig cinema with popcorn and large Coke) while Arya sleeps. Yesterday afternoon while browsing Sky store we noticed there’s Finding Dory. BLOODY £5.45 it was for later and a crappy programme for us during the afternoon nap. 

In the evening after Arya’s dinner I put Arya next to me and Sanj put the movie on. 

The reaction was priceless. The first scene with little Dory and Arya’s face lit up. She covered her mouth with excitement like a celebrity on hearing her name at the announcement of the winner of the best actress Oscar Award. I have never seen this reaction before. She smiled every time little Dory was on and stayed tuned throughout the whole movie (another new thing in the world of our hummingbird). I watched all emotions coming out of this little soul. Happiness, worry, fear, surprise, excitement… 

It was amazing. It was amazing that our baby matures emotionally, connects with characters and feels for them. 

Milestone… this one’s huge.

First Night Lonely Sleeper

Arya slept in her own bed, on her own for the whole night. Not a single wake-up in between until 7:15. So I guess it’s another milestone for us, for me rather than for Arya as she probably doesn’t give a squat unless she gets milk once she’s up. 

It’s one of those “happen when ready” moments again – for all this time I was simply not prepared to let my baby lie stranded in a big bed with no one beside her, checking if she’s breathing. The thought of sleeping snug with my husband while my poor daughter is out there, in another room with no one beside her. No one wants to sleep alone. Right… 

But last night, we just put Arya to HER bed, (it took a while because this girl refuses to sleep) and returned to the sleeping arrangement from the time before Arya was born. Husband and wife reunited. And survived. 

This is another era ending. I remember each milestone and having to let go. Very likely have been doing all this completely off the book and later than any other parent but I-DO-NOT-CARE! “Ready” is the magic word. Remember that!

Moodleys Talk

This could be put into the basket of “I don’t know what to respond, other than: “Do you even think what you’re saying”.

We are going to a cafe for afternoon tea which I booked a few days ago.

Sanj: Have you already paid for this?

Me: Nooo, it’s a cafe. You don’t buy tickets for it. You pay for the food you eat.

Sanj: Do you know how much it is?

Me: It’s £6 per person.

Sanj: Including Arya?

*********

The problem here is that he doesn’t understand where he went wrong. 

This is the fourth time I have been sick since I last breast fed Arya. Fourth time. And it’s not just a runny nose and a bit of sneezing, but a full blown flu with bone pain and old smoker’s cough. I’m starting to think that I probably need a Michael -Jackson-face-mask to save myself from the nursery bug vividly transmitted by my beloved child. When they say hybrid children have strong genes I didn’t know they have strong weapon genes.Today it’s the 11th day and I think, I THINK it’s all better because I’m not on beechams or day nurse yet, albeit it’s only 9:20 am. 

I diagnosed myself – it’s bronchitis and who knows what I will bring from the nursery next time. 

I hate being incapable, immobile, debilitated. The most annoying is that as soon as I feel worse physically, my dopamine level drops to the lowest extremes and I develop depression symptoms (I know, because I’ve been there) and it scares me. 

It’s like when a recovered alcoholic drinks a shot of vodka (say, by accident) and then he gets anxiety attack that it all is coming back again and he’s falling and nothing will stop this.

The good thing is that today I’m feeling better and as soon as Arya is up we, are out.

I say basta to the toy mess in the living room.