When you have this one dream throughout your whole life. Your every cell of body and mind feels ready for it and yet it’s not. And you keep dreaming, keep breathing, keep living superficially, waiting and trying to do anything possible to male your dream come true. It finally happens 10 years after you started yearning for it. The sorrow reached its peak, the gap between and the loved one stretched to a guilt, bitterness and grudge size. The love for the dream-come -true grows strong but as much as tiredness and the anxiety that because of focusing on trying for your dream to come true life passed by. And all you see in the mirror is an old soul without memories …
Every time my husband feels helpless with the chaos our kids bring, he comes back from Arya’s room and says: “I HAD to give her the iPad cause we need to have some time for ourselves”.
And I follow Arya every day restricting her iPad hours just for this.
Today was the same, he, working from home, let the emotionally blackmailing almost-three-year-old chipmunk watch her cartoons and once he’s left I had to pick up the mess cutting Arya off her addiction.
It was the nap time so of course I got treated with real diamond tears … and this: “Mummy, you’re not nice. Daddy’s nice”. And she sat down desperately in the corner to finish her lamentations.
“Oooof course daddy’s nice. Ooof course he is”
Thank you life for letting me be a mother. An experience which I yearned to feel since I was a little girl. An experience which I wrongly thought would be a given and journey to which turned out to be a horrible struggle.
Every day I think of all those who haven’t been given the chance yet and I pray to you: Let them!
The unfulfilled need to be a mother is worse than hunger, sleeplessness or any other torture known on earth.
I haven’t been writing. I’ve been tired. More emotionally and mentally than physically.
I’m tired and apart from that – almost no access to my phone or a computer apart from work and when Arya falls asleep so not really able to keep the update. I fall asleep right after her. I love my baby with all my heart and I can’t bear being away from her just for my own pleasure or leasure although I so badly need it.
I haven’t been here for a while also because otherwise I would complain or ask for her and I don’t do that. I wish I did but I don’t want to sound like a whining woman (who my husband surely thinks I am)
Arya’s the only one I’ve got. She has been since she was born but with time more and more.
I can’t bear weekends because I feel so lonely. I can’t sit down with Arya at the table with a cup of tea and chat? I can’t have a man and woman nice evening together with a man telling me that I’m still pretty and that he would like to take me somewhere nice and then follow through. I can’t even speak about it to any of my very few friends because they’ve got their lives and I’m the strong one who can always cope and my life is not that bad afterwards. In fact it’s pretty good. I finally have my perfect family…
I can’t count on my family either. And in the moments like this I want to hide my face in my hands and burst out crying spasmatically.
Arya is my life. And I say it with tears of bliss; if not her I don’t know if I would be in flesh here and now. But I also am a woman, just a human. It’s all about balance but it never is.
Normally you don’t read posts like that in blogs which you expect to tackle only the essence of awesomeness. These are posts in those self-deprecating, pessimistic holes of the Internet. Well life is not an Instagram Profile. Definitely not mine.
I have no one. Literally no one around.