I kept my pregnancy under the bonnet again. And only because I was so scared that if I share the news and something goes wrong facing the world will be unbearable. I know because I’ve been there already. I don’t believe in being optimistic anymore. Realistic is the way forward. “Prepare for as many options as you can. The good and the bad ones”
Another reason why I was quiet was because pregnancy made me. It literally did. For the last few months I was a vegetation basket pulled to the ground with the strength of approx 5G. My brain was mushy and I did not feel myself at all – physically, emotionally, mentally.
But now, here she is. And we are a family of 5 (including our Bastian of course).
Is it normal to be annoyed with your husbands so much that the punishment ideas just queue in your head. And not because or when your period is coming.
My mother used to put laxatives in his dinner the next day he came home too late (and basically had more fun out than her in stuck, with two hormonal teenage girls).
I literally had to use all my self-control powers today to not wipe my husband’s mug with Arya’s soiled wipe. And not for any particular reason. Basically for the whole 10 years of annoyance.
I’m a horrible wife but I promised nothing.
Thank you life for letting me be a mother. An experience which I yearned to feel since I was a little girl. An experience which I wrongly thought would be a given and journey to which turned out to be a horrible struggle.
Every day I think of all those who haven’t been given the chance yet and I pray to you: Let them!
The unfulfilled need to be a mother is worse than hunger, sleeplessness or any other torture known on earth.
I haven’t been writing. I’ve been tired. More emotionally and mentally than physically.
I’m tired and apart from that – almost no access to my phone or a computer apart from work and when Arya falls asleep so not really able to keep the update. I fall asleep right after her. I love my baby with all my heart and I can’t bear being away from her just for my own pleasure or leasure although I so badly need it.
I haven’t been here for a while also because otherwise I would complain or ask for her and I don’t do that. I wish I did but I don’t want to sound like a whining woman (who my husband surely thinks I am)
Arya’s the only one I’ve got. She has been since she was born but with time more and more.
I can’t bear weekends because I feel so lonely. I can’t sit down with Arya at the table with a cup of tea and chat? I can’t have a man and woman nice evening together with a man telling me that I’m still pretty and that he would like to take me somewhere nice and then follow through. I can’t even speak about it to any of my very few friends because they’ve got their lives and I’m the strong one who can always cope and my life is not that bad afterwards. In fact it’s pretty good. I finally have my perfect family…
I can’t count on my family either. And in the moments like this I want to hide my face in my hands and burst out crying spasmatically.
Arya is my life. And I say it with tears of bliss; if not her I don’t know if I would be in flesh here and now. But I also am a woman, just a human. It’s all about balance but it never is.
Normally you don’t read posts like that in blogs which you expect to tackle only the essence of awesomeness. These are posts in those self-deprecating, pessimistic holes of the Internet. Well life is not an Instagram Profile. Definitely not mine.
I have no one. Literally no one around.
See, Bastian is my fist baby alive.
I miscarried twice (although NHS would consider my unborn babies as insignificant foetuses) and Bastian fillled the long-hurting void. He is my first baby – he let me give him love I’ve had as a mother. I remember the day when I was with him after only a few days he had been with us and he got sick throwing up throughout the whole day – my stomach was churning, I was all in tears and scared out of my mind…
He became a man a couple of months after we moved to our first house. A lion guard, the man of the neighbourhood. People in the community speak about him as if he was the Man. But when Arya was born, very often I was being asked – “Are you not scared that your cat can hurt Arya?” Or I got warnings. ” Be careful! There are cases of cats killing newborns”.
Bastian was always cautious with my baby. When Arya was born, sleeping between me and Sanj, he slept at our feet and always so careful with his paws not to even touch her. Jealous and needing love from us but protective of her.
Only animal lovers will understand this – Bastian is an older brother for Arya. Right now he is sleeping in her room, curled up on the carpet, guarding her.
Don’t get me wrong if she’s bothering him, he can plonk her with his tail or scratch her (gently, never too hard – I’ve whitnessed that) as a warning. What do you expect if someone is pushing you off the chair if you cozily dozed off (that’s the only time he plonks her). Other times – he lets her have her way. Older brother, he is.
I e got two babies and I love them equally.
Only animal lovers will get this.